GOLDEN BLUES

a NOTE i wrote a few months back. was a personal post but i NOW i think i should just let it out. i've been hurting the past months with dissolved friendships. unfortunately it really hit me on my past birthday. i'm posting now not because i'm healed, because i'm not. but i'm getting there. the dark sides of becoming a mom i battle with every day. the lack of time. the lack of energy. THE GUILT OF NOT BEING A SAHM. sometimes you just feel, well, left out & forgotten.

entry: february 28, 2016 // this is 28.

i must first clarify i love my family. if i didn't have them, i'd have nothing. they always make me feel valued. loved. my husband is gifted in this. but i struggle with friendships. i'm a chronic people pleaser. yeah...this is a problem that leads to worse things. & it really manifested today.

today is my 28th birthday. the beloved golden birthday. i remember being in elementary school & learning about what a golden birthday was. i was so disappointed to find out i had to wait until i was 28. well it's here, & just not the way i pictured it to be.

i opted out of a big celebration. opted out of big dinner plans: opted out of some champagne showers. i even had a pinterest board dedicated to it...see, i was serious about a party! but i had a few factors in my decision to nix the idea:
(1) we just had a huge party for eliott less than 4 weeks ago that was quite taxing (but worth it!)
(2) work has been quite busy with travel (since when am i one of those moms who travels for work?) & i just feel physically drained & tired from stress
(3) we put our first home on the market (was in the middle of a bIdding war until midnight last night, sale pending tho!) & have been packing boxes on boxes
(4) we are simultaneously trying to buy our next house...does money grow on trees yet?
(5) did i mention i've just been tired?
(6) i don't recognize myself. i haven't had my nails done in what seems like months. i haven't gotten an haircut since i was pregnant let alone a nice blowout. i haven't gained a pound despite the lack of healthy eating & zero gym activity however my clothes don't fit (goes to show the scale really is a liar, ha!)

before i continue let me preface by saying i woke up today with every intention to live this day to the fullest. but long story short i didn't step foot out of the house until 5:07pm. i cried for an hour today. i felt a bit forgotten. i felt today was impersonal. i didn't feel loved by friends. i didn't feel celebrated. texts & facebook wishes are sweet. i do it all the time too. but i received one phone call, one visit from a friend & one sweet package delivery (you all know who you are). when did birthdays become so impersonal? the one day of the year that is supposed to make you feel you're best, made me feel my worst. or are my expectations out of whack? i looked at myself to understand what i've done wrong & how i could compensate. again, people pleasing at its finest.

my goodness, i sound like a negative & whiny person. but it's my reality at the moment. i need to be transparent. i need to remember this feeling.

it's been a rough few months for me socially. i've been accused (& intentionally ignored) of being a poor friend. i've been left out of celebrations. texts messages have been returned days later with a "oops sorry just saw this" or haven't even been returned at all. now i must say, when doors close, others really do open. i'm grateful for the new faces God has placed in my life. new & innocent friendships that give me energy. but why can't i let go of the old ones?

everything isn't perfect. people aren't perfect. i'm far from perfect. but what i realized today, i'm going to be more aware of celebrating people. i want to go that extra step & do something special. even if it's a small gesture. a phone call. snail mail. house visit. coffee date. something. it doesn't take an invitation for someone to celebrate you. i almost believed that today.

as for the hurt, it'll take time. i continue to pray for a spirit of forgiveness & understanding. I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE RIGHT?

photo by YASMIN ROOHI PHOTOGRAPHY