if you know me well, you know how i function. i like being a few steps ahead, making sure i am able to plan everything out. my desire for organization has complimented my career, interests & relationships [although i'm sure my over the top tidiness may get to Clint once & awhile, ha!]. this concept of order leads to this, dare i say, desire of control. i like to keep things under control. & if they are not? i panic, naturally.
one exact week before my 26th birthday, i experienced something i would have never thought i would. not until now have i shared my experience publicly as it is, unfortunately, looked upon as a social taboo. that night, i had an incredibly sharp pain in my lower abdomen. i quickly became faint & nauseated with a shivering sensation all over my body. Clint rushed me to the ER & checked me in. he explained my symptoms to the nurse at the front desk. he also told her i was near two months pregnant.
no one knew we were pregnant. not my parents, my siblings, my in-laws, nor my closest of friends. with the trends of baby reveal, i had drafted up some creative ideas as to how to share the news with family & friends...but was never able to. a few days leading up to the event, i experience some light bleeding & was told by nurses to just relax but stay alert with my symptoms. over the next 48 hours things got more intense & I prayed to God asking Him to keep this baby safe.
at the ER, it quickly became evident we were losing our raspberry-sized baby. i lost an incredible amount of blood & cannot even describe the waves of pain i felt. all i remember was reciting worship lyrics while crouched over to avoid the urge of fainting. a couple hours later, the passing moment happened, & the visual is still etched clearly in my mind. i immediately felt better physically. but emotionally, i didn't know how to respond. they sent me over to the radiology department to make sure all "contents", as they said, were fully discharged. all i could think is what did i do to cause this? i was taking prenatals for a year prior, got myself in the best shape of my life, exercised & ate healthy regularly & educated myself on everything prenatal. i followed the rules & got ahead of the game. i thought i had control of it all. clearly, i didn't...& i couldn't do a thing about it. i had my share of tears & deep, painful sobs at random times, thinking how hard we had worked to get to this point. the "why me?" crossed my mind constantly.
i was told at a follow-up that one in every four women go through a miscarriage...25%. to me, that's a high stat. but i ask myself why is this not as common in my circle of family, friends & coworkers? here i am planning every baby shower, spending hours on etsy or baby GAP trying to find the sweetest gifts for these highly anticipated & already loved babies. every instance has been a success story...or has it?
i am here to share i've experienced miscarriage & to let those who want to listen know that it is okay to share yours. every experience is directly pulled from God's master plan. until i was able to fully grasp that, i couldn't move away from the fact that it was my fault. after much prayer & encouragement, i was able to understand the science of it all, literally. how amazing God created a woman's body, & how crucial it is for it make sure something healthy is able to grow inside. i quickly was overcome with peace & this desire to not give up. although it took me some weeks, i fully opened up to only a couple close friends who helped me immensely in the recovery process; some of which experience fertility issues firsthand - one experienced miscarriage on her first a couple years before, & another who had years of fertility issues & rounds of IVF. both now have two adorable kids each. i am so thankful that God had placed them in my life years before knowing how much of an (further) impact they could make.
october 15th is national pregnancy & infant loss awareness day. today, i am reminded that i am allowed to think back & remember. i refuse to forget what happened with our first baby. a month after my ER experience, we planted a lemon tree in a pot on our balcony. this tree bears fruit every fall - which was the time of my due date. a gentle reminder of what i experienced & loved...as well as the promise God had over my life to be a mother.
i sit here today, 25 weeks pregnant with our second pregnancy. i have my doctor appointment in an hour & am giddy to hear our baby boy's heartbeat. God keeps his promises. & for that, i am blessed & grateful. as for the lemon tree? it has bloomed & bore fruit...the sweetest lemons I've ever tasted.
// i will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born // isaiah 66:9 erv
wife to a hoosier
mama to TWO boyS
bay area native
it DATA ANALYST
small shop owner
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